I'M A CHRISTIAN...NOW WHAT?
I have been alone all over christmas I had spoken to my daughter she had asked what was I doing for christmas?..I said nothing I am alone. all the time I was hoping for an invite but NO..she just said oh thats ok you can watch TV..inside I was boiling mass of hurt pain humiliation I hated god I hated myself I hated and blamed everyone..I cried I was angry I was lonley all those memories were flooding my mind inside my head voices were saying its gods fault he cannot love you look what he has let happen to you.
I turned the TV on a film was starting "THE ROBE" with victor mature about the lords crucifixtion I just poo pooed it but sat and watched anyway it got to the part when jesus hanging on the cross I WAS RIVITED..it was like I was stood looking at him in front I was there watching in my head a voice came in and said "I DID THIS FOR YOU" WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME MORE?" TRUST ME I LOVE YOU" I was stunned I was going to continue to watch but something told me to turn it off or turn it down,,I switched off the TV..tears were rolling down my face ohh that hurt welling up inside me before I realised I was on my knees I poured out my heart I poured out my hurt my anger my humiliation all the poison came flooding out like dam gates being opened..I asked forgiveness for myself for hurting the lord for doubting him, I asked forgiveness for hurting anyone even if I did not mean too. I asked for strengh to forgive those that had abused me..I asked to lord to help me to trust and have faith even if it were a mustard seed size..the lord showed me a time when still in that relationship when I was praying sat outside in a garden on what to do did he want me in this relationship..I realised that the lord was hurt by my being in that relationship..why because it says when a man and woman marry they are one person not two and when the lord joines them nothing no person can ever separate them it is adultery..all the biblical verse came to me I could almost read it..my health had suffered and I realised that I had done the lords will in a strange way I say strange because it seemed like things didnt work out..one thing was an application for marriage got lost in the post things like that..all this time on my knees opening up my soul to the lord pleading begging..then I saw a picture form in my mind .
A CHILD (me) a figure on the left and a figure on the right I was holding hands with both one was the father and the other was my brother jesus..I felt so much love so much compassion I looked at brother jesus the eyes ohh the love in those eyes..then I saw a luminious white dove ohh it shone even though it was like daytime it flew around us then it settled on my shoulder I looked at it in wonder then it flew around all of us then sat again on my shoulder..then the image faded but that peace I felt inside oh yes I was hurt I was angry yet! it was like a balm had been put inside to help heal the pain and I then prayed a big thank you I asked the lord to take all the burdon and I saw myself place it at his feet I just said lord do what you will with this situation..I then sat down and I felt awe I felt stunned I picked up the bible and read it I asked to lord if he wanted to say anything and I would listen..i just looked then I read the part about the marriage I also read about having faith and he would guide me and be there for me ..since then even though I still hurt and still angry I ask forgiveness but that peace that love is still with me..I also feel that because every relationship has been abusive I feel that the lord wants me as a single person submitting to him alone..I dont know if the lord will ever find a man to be my husband or not but as I said its what the lord wills now I have to get used to that and not try to be stubborn..I thank you my lord and father for my miracle I thank you holy spirit for being my comforter..I hope whoever reads this and be comforted for it does happen miracles do I know I have recieved one..Rose